A Light in the Forest: The Legend of Holly Boy (2003)

Every so often there comes a film that is so incredibly bad, it’s good. The most notable example is The Room, which has been called “the Citizen Kane of bad movies”. This gem has been around since 2003, and is still playing in some independent theaters across the country.

2003 also gave birth to an even lesser-known yet just as horrific monster of a movie: A Light in the Forest. But this one isn’t so bad it’s good; it’s just bad. The plot sort of centers around an African-American girl named Britta who was born in Germany but lived in Switzerland with her parents (a white lady and an Indian man, but screw you, science, Britta can be whatever nationality the director wants), who were circus performers. But alas, they died in a Horrible Circus Accident a little while ago, and now Britta has moved to LA to stay with her possibly senile grandmother. The plot also sort of centers around a fairy tale concerning Holly Boy, one of the Spirits of Christmas, who was turned into a statue centuries ago due to Ancient Majicks. Then the two worlds collide–Britta, sad about being in a sunny paradise for Christmas, inadvertently reawakens Holly Boy. That’s sort of the plot.

Why review a movie that isn’t even all that entertaining? Because everyone needs to know what movie hell is like. Well, I’m not going to review it so much as point out everything wrong with it (or at least, as much as I can remember). If you want to actually watch this shitfest for a more interactive experience, have no fear–the whole thing (trailer included) is on YouTube:

And now for your enhanced Holly Boy experience, I present Mostly Everything Wrong With Holly Boy:
– Holly Boy’s flying effects are total shit
– Why does King Otto agree to a plan in which in exchange for turning Holly Boy into a statue, he himself disappears for centuries?
– Why is “intense sadness” the key to reawaken Holly Boy? Isn’t Christmas, a usually happy holiday, his whole shtick?
– “Realistic” Holly Boy statue actually looks like a human-pig monster
– Why is Holly Boy Irish when everyone else has an American accent?
– The entire movie was probably filmed in the same 5×5 square of forest
– Britta’s accent changes from quasi-British to American to something European with varying degrees of intensity between every scene
– The name “Britta”
– Why does everyone walk in the woods so damn much?
– Britta’s grandma blows dust off of a book right into Britta’s face
– Britta’s grandma casually mentions stuff about Britta’s dead mother and doesn’t expect a negative reaction
– Britta is at least 30 years old but is going to high school
– Three potential love interests are introduced within minutes of each other
– The old fat businessman, besides being terrible at line reading, won’t stop looking down at Principal Douchebag’s crotch
– The entirety of King Otto’s plan revolves around some kid winning a talent show
– Holly Boy trips random people, what a little shit
– Holly Boy loses his Irish accent and gains a set of normal-people clothes when he is resurrected
– Holly Boy assumes the crucifix position upon his resurrection (all hail)
– Love Interest #2 also has an interchangeable accent but nobody quite knows what it is
– Bitchy Blonde Girls #1 and #2 are malicious to Britta by asking her what she’s getting for Christmas
– Every student in the school is actually 30 years old
– Hippie drama teacher can’t make signs for shit
– Holly Boy thinks that brainwashing people is fun
– Britta’s grandmother thinks that a glass of milk is “something nice to eat”
– Britta’s grandmother has no problem with the fact that someone potentially broke into her house just to put up garish Christmas decorations
– Nobody sees or knows who the hell Mr. Ridgewell is for the majority of the movie, even though his character is pretty relevant
– A wolf is heard howling in suburban Los Angeles
– Holly Boy literally forces Britta to relive her parents’ deaths and she seems okay with it
– Holly Boy literally forces Britta to relive her parents’ deaths
– Britta seems to think that snow in LA is a miracle, when in reality it’d mean the environment just went to shit
– Mr. Ridgewell literally spikes the punch at a party
– Hippie teacher doesn’t drink the punch
– Principal Douchebag is knocked backwards by evil forces into a pile of empty boxes lying in the middle of a hallway, when those boxes weren’t in the previous shots
– In about five seconds Britta goes from “sort of miffed” to “full-out bitchfest” towards Love Interest #2 all because he suggests she dance with him in a talent show
– Holly Boy can literally incapacitate anyone from any distance but never uses this when it’s most needed
– Hippie teacher is kidnapped by King Otto for no reason other than an attempt at creating tension
– Nobody in the school finds it strange that hideous Christmas decorations have appeared in a matter of seconds
– Evil Witch spends minutes summoning spirits from hell yet in that time Holly Boy just sits on his ass and does jack shit to stop it
– Evil Witch channels all her power into creating a super-mega-axe weapon for King Otto then immediately kills him with it because her hand slipped
– Love Interest #2 suddenly knows how to operate difficult pulley system for an elaborate acrobatic trick that Britta performs
– The prize for winning the talent show is a $75,000 scholarship to a shitty-ass fake college
– Britta says she’s supposed to be in English class but when she goes to English class it’s actually a Math class
– High school students are being taught elementary-level multiplication
– The girl who sings “La Bamba” at the talent show is absolutely terrible
– Britta’s stunt double is blatantly obvious
– Holly Boy equates torture with tickling someone’s feet
– Holly Boy is actually open to torturing someone in the first place
– King Otto’s evil plan is literally furthering the rise of consumerism, which means that this movie was made by communists
– Communism is bad
– This movie is total shit
– Don’t watch it unless you make a drinking game out of it